I LOVE YOU DAMN IT!
by Donna McIntosh
Summary: Slash Hutch decides to quit the force. Starsky tries to find out why.


Title: "I LOVE YOU, DAMN IT!"

"I LOVE YOU, DAMN IT!"

"Why we stopping here?" Hutch asked as Starsky pulled the torino off the side of the road.

"We gotta talk, Hutch." Starsky was scared. Something was wrong. Dead wrong! Hutch was all torn up about something and he wouldn't talk. Wouldn't share it. They'd been together too long, shared too much for Hutch to hold out now. It had to be something big!

"It's late, Starsk." Hutch tried to delay the inevitable.

"It's not that late, Hutch. You gotta let me know what's been eating at you." He waited for an answer but Hutch remained silent. "Hutch..." Starsky turned sideways so he could face Hutch squarely. "Don't you trust me any more?"

Hutch didn't face him. He couldn't. He sat facing forward, staring straight out into the night.

"It isn't that, Starsk. You know better than that!"

"The hell I do!" Starsky snapped. He grabbed Hutch's arm and spun him around. "You can't even look at me! How can I believe anything any more?" Starsky was miserable.

"Starsk..." Hutch softened. He had to do it! Get it over with. Stalling was only making matters worse. "We gotta talk."

"That's what I been telling you all week." Starsky was relieved for the first time in days. Hutch was finally going to level with him.

"I've been thinking a lot lately..." How could he say it. He had to think of something. Make him believe it. "I've been kind of homesick."

"Homesick?" Starsky brightened immediately. "Is that all that's been bothering you? Why don't you take a few days off and go see your folks. Shit, I'll go with you. We always have a ball!"

Author: Donna McIntosh

Fandom: Starsky & Hutch

Genre: Slash

Disclaimer: Not mine; wish they were.

Rating: NC-17

"I am going to go home." Hutch looked down at their hands. Who had taken who's hand?? "But not for just a few days." He couldn't look at Starsky. He knew the look he'd see there.

"What are you talking about? You taking a leave or something? Is somebody sick?" Hutch waited as long as he dared before answering.

"I've decided to quit the force." His words seemed to echo in the empty silence that followed. Had he really said them that loud, or did it just seem that way? "You wanna tell me about it?" Starsky asked quietly. He knew better than to make light of the situation. Hutch was deadly serious.

"There's nothing to tell. This is a hell of a life. Christ! It's no life at all, and you know it!" Hutch fumbled with the words.

"So we quit the force. What are we going to do then?"

Tears burned at his eyes but he blinked them back. He wouldn't cry now. Not here in front of Starsky. He couldn't take that! "We?" he tried a chuckle but it came out more like a sob.

"You don't think I'd let you go off somewhere without me? Who'd take care of you? Who'd take care of me?"

Hutch did laugh then. He pulled Starsky into his arms and held him close. Laugh­ing and crying. How could he leave him? He didn't know. He did know he'd have to try.

"You can't go with me, Starsk." He hardly recognized his own voice, it was so strained.

Starsky pulled back from the embrace. "Why not?" He waited for an answer but Hutch just sat there shaking his head.

"Hutch? We been together a long time. Why do you want to end it now?" "I don't want to..." he couldn't go on.

"Then why?" Starsky insisted on an answer.

"Because we have to! That's why!" Hutch's misery was apparent and somehow frightened Starsky more than he had ever been frightened before. The thought of loosing Hutch was more than he could bear.

"I asked you before, Hutch. WHY?" Starsky took him by the shoulders and shook him.

Hutch was rattled. He had to end it. Had to say something. But what? He couldn't lie to him. He just couldn't!

"Because "

"Because, why?" Starsky prodded.

"I love you, damn it. And I don't know what to do about it!" Hutch exploded. He pulled from Starsky's grasp and jumped from the car. Starsky was stunned by the answer he got and raced after Hutch. "Where you going?" He caught up with Hutch and walked beside him. "Home! You won't take me so I'll walk." Hutch answered angrily. Starsky caught him by the arm. "I'll take you home."

They turned around and headed back to the car. Starsky turned on the ignition then turned to Hutch. "If you loved me, you wouldn't run out on me." Hutch didn't answer. They drove home in silence. When the torino pulled up in front of Hutch's place, he jumped out and ran up the stairs without saying a word. Starsky sat for several minutes in the car trying to figure things out. He watched the upstairs windows but the lights didn't come on. He couldn't wait any longer. He had to find out what was going on.

He took the stairs two at a time and rapped gently on the door. No answer. He knocked a little harder and called. "Hutch?" Hutch didn't answer. He removed the key from its place overhead and unlocked the door. He stashed the key and went it. The place was dark and quiet. Quiet except for a strange sound he heard coming from the bedroom. Hutch! Hutch was crying.

//Dam !// He thought.//Whatever it is, I've got to get to the bottom of this. I can't let him go. I just can't!//

He went into the bedroom and sat on the bed beside Hutch. Hutch buried his face in his pillow and tried not to make a sound. Starsky put his hand on Hutch's shoulder. "Hutch…let's talk. OK?"

"Go home! Please, just go away and let me be!" Hutch sobbed.

"I'm not going nowhere, Blondie. And neither are you. Not without me!" Hutch whirled around, using his anger like a shield. "Maybe you didn't hear what I said back there! This is it, Starsky. We're through. I'm leaving. You're staying. Period!"

"You said you loved me." Starsky's tone was pleading. Pleading for an explanation. Something he could understand. Hutch couldn't give him one. "Please. Just get out." Hutch laid back down in total misery. Starsky stood up to leave but just couldn't bring himself to walk out with Hutch in such obvious misery. He knelt down be side the bed, his face level with Hutch's. "I can't leave, Hutch. I love you too much. I can't bare to see you so unhappy." He reached out and stroked the blond head. A tear streaked faced turned up to him. "Starsky. You don't understand."

"I know I don't. That's why you have to explain it to me. Help me."

"Starsky I have to go away. I have to. I don't want to but I have to." "You already said all that. What you didn't say is why?"

"I just can't take it any more, Starsk. Worrying about you every minute when we're out in the streets, worrying whenever you're out of my sight, jealous of every minute we're apart. Wondering who you're with, what you're doing." Starsky pulled the blond head against his shoulder. "Easy, Hutch. You think it's been easy for me? I go through the same thing too, ya know. Loving someone is no guarantee of total happiness. It's simply a commitment of caring and trusting. It's not the whole world. Just the best part of it." Starsky babbled on, not

knowing what to say. Just hoping and praying something would get through; something would connect.

"Starsky, you just won't listen, will you!" Hutch pulled back and sat up. Starsky sat on the bed beside him. "I love you! I love you, not as in I-love-you-you-love ­me-let's-go-have-a-beer, but as in I-love-you-I-want-you-let's-go-to-bed!" He

held his aching head in his hands and hoped he had finally gotten through to Starsky. Starsky leaned his head against Hutch's and rubbed him gently. "Head hurt?" "Yes!" It was more a whimper than an answer. His head hurt alright. His entire body and soul hurt! With a pain that was like a knife twisting in his gut! "I've loved you like that for a long long time now, Blondie and I didn't run out on you." Starsky said gently.

Hutch pulled back and stared at him.

"Didn't you know that?" Starsky asked innocently.

"No! How could I know. You never said anything!" Hutch accused.

Starsky smiled that sweet crooked smile of his. "I just figured you'd get the picture sooner or later. Guess I'm kinda shy at heart."

Hutch laughed. He couldn't help it. Everything was out in the open now, and Starsky not only didn't hate him; he loved him too! Could it be possible? "You shy?"

"You think just because I'm incredibly handsome and sophisticated that I'm loose?" "Loose?" Hutch snickered. "That's not exactly the word I'd have used." He touched the side of the face that was so dear to him; that had been haunting his dreams for months now.

"Well, I'm not. As a matter of fact, I've been saving myself."

Hutch leaned back on the bed, breathing easier than he had in weeks. "Saving yourself?"

"Welllll, more or less." Starsky confessed.

"You see now why I have to leave?"

"No; I damn well don't!"

"Starsky! I can't stay here now. You know that."

"Why?" Starsky had him now. All he had to do was figure a way to keep him. "Because if I stay, you know darn well what'll happen!" "So?" Starsky raised his eyebrows and gave a lecherous grin. "Starsk we couldn't! We can't!" Hutch was weakening, loosing the battle. "Could too!" Starsky turned on his innocent act.

Hutch shook his head and laughed. "You always argue so intelligently?"

"Not always." Starsky had to admit. "Sometimes I can't think of a thing to say!"

"I have to leave. You know that." Hutch was sad. So sad. He knew he had to leave. But just the same, it was great knowing Starsky wanted him to stay. "If you leave me, I'll follow you where ever you go! And that's a promise" He wasn't going to give up. Not now. Not this close to success.

"Starsk! You wouldn't really want to get involved in that kind of a situation, would you?"

"The way I see it, we're already involved. Have been for years. Just been too chicken to admit it before now."

"Hell, Starsk! What would your folks think?"

"I don't give a damn."

"What would my folks think?"

"That I seduced you with my magnetic charm!"

"Starsk! Be serious! This is a serious situation!" Hutch demanded.

"I am being serious!" Starsky acted offended. "Don't you think my charm is mag­netic?" He leaned closer and nuzzled Hutch's cheek.

"Cut that out!" Hutch laughed and pushed him back. "What about Dobey?"

"Let him find his own playmate!" Starsky offered and resumed his assault on Hutch's cheek.

"That's not what I meant, Dummy! What would he think?" Hutch moved his face away but only a short distance.

"I think he already thinks things." Starsky tried to nibble an ear but Hutch couldn't take that.

"What? What makes you think he thinks things about us?"

"He knows how we feel about each other. I'd say most of the other guys do too!" Hutch held him off, pressing against both shoulders. Starsky worked both arms up Hutch's sides, pulling him closer.

"Starsk. . .Now wait a minute..." The ground was falling away from under him and all there was to hold on to was Starsky. Starsky got him close enough this time to actually hold him. He trailed little kisses down the side of his neck. "Starsk... " Hutch squirmed, trying to free himself but only succeeded in lowering himself in the bed; Starsky over him.

"Hmmmm?" Starsky answered coming back up to face him.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Everything that I possibly can, Blondie," Starsky grinned his most devilish grin. "I didn't want to leave anyway." Hutch whispered against the side of Starsky's throat. All resistance melted away. He should have known better. There was no way in the world he could ever leave Starsky. No way. No wonder he had been hurting so. It would have been wrong. He would never have known this moment. This perfection.

"I love you," he whispered as Starsky kissed him with their first lovers kiss. "I love you too, Hutch. And I'm never gonna let you go. Not ever!" "Promise?" Hutch asked as his clothes slid to the floor beside Starsky's.

"Promise!"

THE END


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